Eugene Terre'blanche's sex abuse scandal: Vatican blames him

Friday, April 23, 2010

Picture of Late Eugene Terre'blanche
ROME. Having previously tried to pin Catholic priest sexual abuse scandals on homosexuals and Satan, the Vatican today issued a statement indicating that from now on the blame will officially rest with Eugene Terre'blanche. "Think about it," said Vatican spokesperson Hippocritas Kidifiddler. "There hasn't been a single new abuse allegation since he died." 

According to the official Vatican City report Terre'blanche acted alone and was responsible for the whole of the Catholic Church's long and murky history of sexual abuse stretching back over two centuries.

Kidifiddler said that some of the Church's most revered lawyers and accountants had worked their way down a lengthy list of potential perpetrators, weighing up how plausible they were and considering whether or not the Pope had previously condoned their actions and failed to shred documents with his signature on them.

"After the public didn't seem to buy our original stabs at atheists, fags and Satan, we considered blaming R 'n B, microwave pizzas and Twitter," Kidifiddler said.

"But then someone mentioned this Eugene Terre'blanche, and we just thought: sweeeet."

When asked how Eugene Terre'blanche had managed to abuse children on at least three continents simultaneously, Kidifiddler shrugged and said, "I dunno, he had a fast horse. Who am I, Poirot?"

Kidifiddler stated that the Catholic Church was happy and relieved to have cleared up "this irritating little mystery."

"Now we can all forget about this small matter and get back to doing God's work," he said.

Asked what God's work entailed, he explained that it mostly involved "counting enormous amounts of cash and helping women in the developing world to be pregnant non-stop from puberty to menopause".

Meanwhile South African homophobes and homosexuals alike have reacted angrily to the allegations that Terre'blanche's murder was the result of a sexual encounter that turned lethal.

"To suggest that Eugene Terre'blanche had a secret gay life is deeply offensive to the homosexual community in South Africa," a statement from gay rights group Twinkly Rainbows read yesterday. "As if we would have let him on to Somerset Road with a boep like that. Shudder."

The AWB has also furiously rejected the rumours.

"If our beloved Leier had been having gay sexcapades with anyone, it would of been me," said new leader Andre Visagie, struggling to keep back tears.

"He only had to say the word and I could of touched him on his studio all night long."


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